I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
