I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
