That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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