my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
