They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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