my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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