Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
