Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
