I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
