when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
