We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I will die if light touches me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
