Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
