sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
