her vagine was all disorganized.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
