i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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