When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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