dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
