You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
