i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
