I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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