highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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