Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
