So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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