I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
