It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
