Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
