I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
