He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
