I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You made out with two different species that night
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
