Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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