I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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