i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
