I have demons in me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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