Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
