nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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