I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
