i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
