I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Did I show you my penis last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
