sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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