I wannas sexs uuuuu
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
