I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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