Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
