I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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