I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
