a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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