i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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