the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
