woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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