I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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