yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
