Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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