so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
