the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Randomize
