I will die if light touches me.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
