My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
