He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
