Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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