wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
