I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
