I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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