Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
