Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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