i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
