wakey wakey hands off snakey
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize