Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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