Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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